“Thick skin, soft heart.“
A good friend who pastors a church in a very different context and culture said this to me recently. In full he said,
“How are we [as Christians] supposed to keep a thick skin to pushback and criticism but also maintain a soft heart towards others?“
For those who claim Christ as Lord and Saviour this is a real and ongoing struggle.
So, how do we not wilt and fall away in the face of negativity but persistently pursue the best for other people?
First, we need to acknowledge our human limitations. You’re just a person, and I’m just a person. This means that we have limits. We have a limit to how thick our skin can be and how much criticism can be ignored and risen above. Words hurt (Proverbs 12.18). Words said in anger or upset, actions taken with a critical spirit, take a second to say or do and often far, far longer to forget.
We also have a limit to the compassion we can show. You’re just a person, and I’m just a person. We’re fallen, we’re fallible, and we’re not a source of inexhaustible compassion: Compare Jeremiah 17.9 with 2 Corinthians 1.3 and see that we’re not Him.
I recently read of compassion fatigue. Simply, if you’re constantly pouring out for others and bearing their burdens with little or no regard for yourself, this will catch up with you and you then become the person in need. Dr. Charles Figley writes on the destructive nature of this state and says that it …
“… refers to the emotional and physical exhaustion that can affect helping … over time. It has been associated with a gradual desensitization to [people’s] stories … [and ultimately] a decrease in quality care …”
So, how do we avoid falling away at every criticism and burning out through compassion? There’s inherent tension between the call to care and carry burdens but not carry to the inevitable negative emotions and interactions that fallen and fallible people bring. In both scenarios, the solution, I believe, is the same:
We take both to Jesus.
Perhaps it sounds too simple. Perhaps it is. The care we offer people should flow from who God is, revealed in the person of Jesus:
“Blessed is the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we may be able to comfort those experiencing any trouble with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For just as the sufferings of Christ overflow toward us, so also our comfort through Christ overflows to you.”
(2 Corinthians 1.3-5)
“…if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort provided by love, any fellowship in the Spirit, any affection or mercy, complete my joy and be of the same mind, by having the same love, being united in spirit, and having one purpose.”
(Philippians 2.1-2)
The compassion and the care we offer others, the soft heart, flow from who God is and what He has done for us in the person and work of Jesus. We care for others with the care we receive, not that which we manufacture ourselves. Your ultimate goal in caring for others is to take them to Jesus, not to be their Saviour. Compassion fatigue is much quicker to come when we try to take on ourselves those burdens that only He can carry.
The same is true for the criticisms:
“If the world hates you, keep in mind that it hated me first. If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you. Remember what I told you: ‘A servant is not greater than his master.’ If they persecuted me, they will persecute you also. If they obeyed my teaching, they will obey yours also. They will treat you this way because of my name, for they do not know the one who sent me.”
(John 15.18-21)
Criticism for the Christian is, sadly, par for the course. In the same discourse, Jesus goes on to say that He will send an Advocate, a Helper, who will guide us through these kinds of situations (John 16.1-11). The ability to not let the weight of negativity crush you is a Spirit-given gift.
Jesus knows, experientially, what you’re working through when the criticisms and disappointments have pierced your skin and threaten to harden your heart and has provided all you need to maintain a thick skin yet a soft heart. Take them to Him in prayer. Read His Word and see His actions and reactions. The key to having thick skin and a soft heart, simply, is to root yourself in Jesus.
