There is a scene from Jane Austen’s novel Sense and Sensibility, portrayed in the 1995 classic movie, that perfectly captures the hypocrisy of two females regarding their artful words. As they decorate their hats in the sunny parlor, chatting about possible suiters and marriage futures, young Miss Lucy Steele garners enough courage to confess, “It is a very great secret. I’ve told nobody in the world for fear of discovery.”
Mrs. Fanny Dashwood, dressed to the nines, speaks gently to reassure her young friend: “I am the soul of discretion.”
“If I dared tell…” Lucy nervously responds.
“I can assure you that I am as silent as the grave,” Mrs. Dashwood solemnly promises with a shrewd half-smile.
Lucy slowly leans over and whispers in Mrs. Dashwood’s ears, “It’s your younger brother, Edward, I’ve been secretly engaged to these last five years….”
With feathers flying about, the next moment suddenly becomes a complete frenzy when with flailing arms the two women shriek at one another. Mrs. Dashwood pinches Lucy’s nose and forces her off the premises, driving the trusting young woman away.
I believe we all think we are the “soul of discretion.” Would any of us actually admit to another person we are conversing with, “You know, I’m taking note of every word you say so I can tell others of all your weaknesses, character flaws, past mistakes, and present struggles?”
“A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy person keeps a secret,” states Proverbs 11:13.
The two keywords above are “confidence” and “secret.” The writer is clearly saying that something shared confidentially should be kept a secret by the hearer. This means no one else is privy to this information. If that hearer shares it with just one other person without their permission, you are “betraying” the confidence and sharing what was meant to be kept a secret. The Scripture is clear: We are not to share others’ secrets but only our own as they relate to us. We never see Jesus in the Gospel writings revealing the secrets of others who confided in Him. Instead, He is honest with His disciples and confronts His enemies face to face. Jesus always loved His own and will love us to the uttermost.
James, who has the most scathing passages on the harm caused by the gossip in his third chapter, lays out a profound principle in the last chapter of his letter: “Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed.” Notice how he never says, “Confess other’s sins to one another….” Perish the thought! On the contrary, we are to confess our very own sins that we are responsible for to another person and pray for each other. Why? So we can be healed and freed from our sins. It is a beautiful thing when you are sharing your weaknesses and struggles with diverse temptations, and the listener is emboldened to share their own. There is one thing we sinners all have in common, and that is wrestling with our own sinful, selfish natures (Romans 7).
But, we sinners have a big problem. We LOVE to share other’s secrets and struggles. Why? Because it distracts us from our own and feeds our pride. In addition, we love to stir up drama, passively and aggressively. We actually crave it like we crave our favorite foods. Proverbs 18:8 says, “The words of a whisperer are like delicious morsels; they go down into the innermost parts.” The gossip offers tasty treats to the hearer. Still, they never preface what they say with this reality: “These words of mine will have a detrimental effect on the good name of the person I am talking about, and your good opinion will ever be tainted, like an infected wound.” There will always be gossips around us, but we must take responsibility to turn a deaf ear. Proverbs 17:4 declares, “Wrongdoers eagerly listen to gossip; liars pay close attention to slander.” The sin lies with the listener as well as the slanderer, and we all know who fans it into flame. “[Our tongue] can set our whole life on fire, for it is set on fire by hell itself,” James warns.
Proverbs 16:28 wisely states, “A contrary person spreads strife, and a gossip separates close friends.” This lays out the end objective of the talebearer: dividing people from each other. The Bible calls this being divisive, and Paul laid out stern warnings to stay away from them. It is always up to the hearer of gossip to recognize it and immediately turn away. That is how we protect our hearts from believing distrustful words. Jesus said that evil slander comes from our hearts (Matthew 15:19). Jesus gave us His example of a Good Shepherd who gathers His sheep together, not scattering them apart like the wolf. When we hear a juicy tidbit and are tempted to attend to divisive words, we must immediately turn to God in repentance and ask Him for wisdom. Sometimes, the simplest statements can quench the spiteful words. For example, “I know this person of whom you speak, and this doesn’t sound like them at all!” Or, “Are you planning to talk with them about it?”
I remember many years ago arriving at a retreat for church leaders. One of the pastor’s wives came to my room to pay me a “welcome visit,” and she quickly steered the conversation to another pastor’s wife, a mutual friend of ours. But instead of enriching words, she went on to share how she could not believe how many men this woman had slept with before she was saved and married. So dismayed, I excused myself from the conversation and closed my door. I wagged my head in disbelief and wondered, “What was that all about?” I realized that we cannot always figure out what others’ motives are, but we can hear their words for what they are and shun them. I really liked this pastor’s wife but realized that I was leery of trusting her in the future.
A few years ago, I went through months of training to become a chaplain in the workplace. One section of our curriculum involved keeping the confidences of the employees that we were serving. It was excellent instruction and has guided me through many interactions with employers and their staff. Basically, we are never allowed to share a confidence unless it is regarding direct physical harm to another or illegal behavior against the company where they are employed. Imagine how difficult it is to hear the gossip of disgruntled employees, some of whom are stirring up a possible mutiny, and not be able to share with their boss. Yet we made an agreement at the outset never to share confidences.
Many years ago, I was at the deathbed of a woman facing her last days. She shared with me a deep, terrible incident of abuse she had gone through as a young girl. After she revealed her burden that had been buried for decades, she made me promise that I’d never tell her grown daughter. I have never uncovered her secret, though I knew her daughter would better understand her mother’s life if she had this information. Honoring someone’s last wishes is a great gift we can give the sick and dying. And the honorable one.
Sadly, many family members allow gossip to flourish within their homes. The wife tells her husband the “latest” on the person of interest, and he reveals personal tidbits, adding kindling to the flames. Maybe it is the wayward uncle, alcoholic cousin, or annoying in-law. Why should the mother’s low opinion of her brother interfere with her child’s opinion of him? Otherwise, we are hindering any relationship between them and their uncle in the future. This is simply wrong. We should keep our negative opinions of others to ourselves and thus not thwart the forming of relationships within the extended family circles.
I could not count the number of talks I have had with women, reinforcing the need to keep the confidence of other women who confide in them, even from their husbands. Unless, of course, they are directly told to share with their husbands. However, most women do not want their privacy shared with other men. And we must seek their permission before we ever repeat struggles confided to our hearts alone. This is especially important when children are present.
In ministry life, we are all called to weep with those who weep and rejoice with those who rejoice. Sometimes, those tears we see are accompanied by a lot of pain, faults, and past regrets. Sometimes, our struggles are shared in confidence in the hope of finding an understanding heart that can relate. It is incumbent upon us to protect these fragile hearts with our listening ears and a love that covers a multitude of sins. Never uncover what the blood of Christ has covered. Paul’s words to the Thessalonians seem apropos here: “Now as to the love of the brethren, you have no need for anyone to write to you, for you yourselves are taught by God to love one another… But we urge you, brethren, to excel still more and make it your ambition to lead a quiet life, attend to your own business, and work with your hands, just as we commanded you….” A quiet life means a quiet heart and a quiet mouth.
I believe part of the problem with keeping someone’s confidence to ourselves is that this burden of knowledge is so heavy on our hearts, and thus difficult to bear. At times, what we listen to is completely overwhelming. We immediately want to unload it on someone else to lighten our load. Yet I have discovered that if we persevere without violating confidentiality, the burden becomes much lighter after many days. The Lord invites us to share with Him so we can honor the confider. “Cast your burdens upon the LORD and He will take care of you,” He says in Psalm 55:22
It is a dark world out there because of the ceaseless malevolent words being instigated by hearts of darkness. Christ has a different path. He leads the way with gentleness and truth so we can be lights that can shine bright in this gloom. Thank the Lord He has shed His blood to cover our sin and guilt of gossiping, offering the gift of forgiveness. The Holy Spirit will give us the power of silence when needed and guide us to peaceful pathways and words that will bring grace to our hearers.
